Archives of Insanity
by Umbra Advena
Summary: An insane collection of stories that never happened......
1. Default Chapter

Advena: Hello and welcome to Archives of Insanity. I'm your host-

Risu: Advena!

Advena: Hey! You stole my line... wait a minute…. What are **you **doing here?

Risu: I'm co-host.

Advena: Co-host? When did this happen?

Risu: About 32,400 seconds ago.

Advena: What?!

Risu: About 3 months ago.

Advena: 3 months. You've been a co-host for 3 months.

Risu: Uh… yaaah…

Advena: Why am I always the last person to find these things out?

(Advena goes into her own world and begins to plan revenge against the producer.)

Risu: Advena? (waves hand in front of Advena's face ) hellooo? (grins evilly and moves closer to Advena ) ADVENA!!!!

Advena: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

(heart monitor appears out of nowhere. *beeeeeeeeeeeeep*) 

Risu: (poke, poke) I think she's dead….. In that case….. I'm the new host! WOO-HOO!

Sapphire: She's not dead.

Risu: How do you know?

Sapphire: It's in the script.

Risu & Advena: We have a script?!

Sapphire: Yaaaah…..

Risu: Hmmm……. An interesting development……. When did you get up?

Advena: Just in time to hear Sapphire come in…… oh no.

Sapphire: What?

Advena: I just remembered…..I …..uh……might of thrown my script away….

Risu: What?! Why'd you do that?

Advena: I thought it was junk mail…..

Risu: Now that I think about it I might've thrown it away to….

Kioko: Thrown what away?

Risu: The script.

Kioko: We have a script?

Sapphire: (shakes head) You people are hopeless.

(Risu thwacks Sapphire with a mallet sending him threw a wall)

Risu: I resemble… I mean **resent**! That remark.

Sapphire: (twitch, twitch)

Kioko: Where did she get the mallet?

Risu: I got it fro-

Kioko: On second thought. I don't want to know. By the way. Don't you think you should introduce us?

Advena: Oh. Right. Sapphire is…uh…

Sapphire: Script writer.

Advena: Right. Script writer and Kioko's the security guard.

Risu: Wait a minute.You're the script writer Sapphire?

Sapphire: She **can** be taught!

Risu: (glares angrily)

Sapphire: eep!

Kioko: Crap!

Advena: What?

Kioko: I was trying to hard boil an egg in the microwave and…..it…..heheheh….blew up.

Risu: …..

Sapphire: …..

Advena: …..

(After a few minutes of exaggerated silence everyone, except Kioko, burst into laughter)

Kioko: What's so funny?

Sapphire: (breathlessly) You cooked…an egg…in…the microwave…with… the shell on!

Kioko: That is kinda funny…

Risu: It's not funny it's hilarious! HI-LAR-I-OUS!

Kioko: Ok! I get the point already!

Sapphire: I still can't believe you….who could be so dense?

Risu: Security guards.

Kioko: (glare)

Risu & Sapphire: eep!

(Kioko charges at Risu and Sapphire with murderous intent)

Risu & Sapphire: Help me! HEEEEEELP!

Kioko: AAARGH! GET BACK HERE!

(Risu and Sapphire run through the hole in the wall made by Sapphire earlier, followed by Kioko, who takes out half the wall in the process of chasing them down.)

Advena: There's a door you know…….. I guess I should end this…

(turns around)

Advena: Well, that's today's show. Tune in next time for the first tale! Good Night! 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hello! What do you think? If I get enough reviews, I will write more! If you have any stories you would like to hear please tell me! I'd be glad to hear any of your suggestions! Anywho. I don't own any of the anime featured here. I do, however, own the following characters:

Advena (mua)

Risu (co-host)

Kioko (security guard)

Remember that this is just the introduction. The only purpose is to introduce to you the characters and, hopefully, explain a little bit about whatever this happens to be. - You don't know - Shut up Koteni! ……Ahem. If you want to hear any stories, YOU'D BETTER SEND IN REVIEWS!

Side Note: This in **not** mind control - Whatever you say buddy - (chooses to ignore comment) Just a pleasant way of saying that, You **will **send in reviews! I shan't be denied! Mua ha HA ha ha ha ha ha!


	2. Lethe Let me Forget

Advena: Welcome to Archives of Insanity! I'm your host-  
  
Risu: Advena!  
  
Advena: Why did you do that?  
  
Risu: Do what?  
  
Advena: Don't play stupid!  
  
Risu: (dorky expression) Nerrrr  
  
Advena: (glares)  
  
Risu: (ignores glare and turns to face audience) I'm your co-host Risu. The intelligent one.  
  
(A shoe comes flying through the door and hits Risu in the face)  
  
Kioko: (puts shoe back on) Quit antagonizing Advena. Your gonna make her cry.  
  
(Advena, who is currently sneaking up on Risu with an aluminum baseball bat, pauses and grins evilly, then puts the baseball bat away)  
  
Advena: (gets teary eyed) Waaaaaaaaaaaah!  
  
Kioko: Look at what you've done! She's crying!  
  
Risu: She's faking it!  
  
Kioko: Oh! So you antagonize her and then say she isn't crying!  
  
Risu: She isn't!  
  
Kioko: Yes, she is!  
  
Risu: Isn't!  
  
Kioko: Is!  
  
(The two continue to argue while Advena "cries")  
  
Sapphire: (walks in, looks at the three and shakes his head) Oh man... (Thinks to himself Advena and her revenge...guess I should start then...) Now where did that book go... oh yes. (Walks over to bookshelf and grabs the only book on the shelf) Today's story is called-  
  
(Advena hits Sapphire with aluminum bat)  
  
Advena: Sorry buddy. That's my line.  
  
Mysterious voice: That wasn't very nice Advena. You shouldn't have hit Sapphire just because he was going to start things off. You really need to learn to share.  
  
(Everyone turns to look at the newcomer)  
  
Advena: Who're you and what're you doing here?  
  
(A dark haired man wearing a black tux, white mask, and a cape steps out from the shadows of the door way)  
  
Mysterious voice: I am Tuxedo Mask! The Prince of Earth! I am here to-  
  
Advena: (grabs her bat and hits cape boy) Evil Demon! Be gone! Defile our studio no longer! Do you not hear me?! Disperse I say, DISPERSE!  
  
Tuxedo Mask: (throws arose at Advena)  
  
Advena: (stops and looks at him like he's crazy) A rose?  
  
Risu: It's a rose, of course it didn't work.  
  
Tuxedo Mask: (clearly not paying attention) Why didn't it work? It always works...  
  
Risu: A rose is not a weapon of mass destruction!  
  
Tuxedo Mask: now, now Risu. You shouldn't get mad.  
  
Risu: Who do you think you are?  
  
Tuxedo Mask: I'm your conscience.  
  
Risu & Advena: I don't have a conscience.  
  
Tuxedo Mask: That's why I'm here. To make sure that you are nice, civil, and don't do anything wrong. That you do as you're told and behave like adults. People don't want to see-  
  
(Kioko jumps at Tuxedo Mask, bind and gags him, and throws him out the window. The studio being conveniently located on the thirteenth floor.)  
  
Advena: Thank you! You're a life saver!  
  
Risu: She's a candy?  
  
Kioko: (hits Risu upside the head)  
  
Risu: Ow!  
  
(Sapphire stands up and rubs the back of his head)  
  
Sapphire: Thank goodness that pansy is gone. He was making my headache worse. Advena: (picks up the book which is mysteriously twitching)... why is the book twitching?  
  
Sapphire: Cape boy out yonder window.  
  
Kioko: How'd he make the book twitch?  
  
Sapphire: no clue.  
  
Advena: Well we better get started... Today's story is called Lethe Let Me Forget.  
  
Risu: Lethe? Who's Lethe?  
  
Sapphire: She's the guardian of the river of forgetfulness.  
  
Risu: Oh...  
  
Kioko: I don't get it...  
  
Risu: Neither do I...  
  
Sapphire: (bangs head on table)  
  
Advena: Isn't Lethe also the name of one of the three rivers in Hell in Greek mythology?  
  
Sapphire: How did you know that?  
  
Advena: I'm not an idiot you know.  
  
(Silence)  
  
Advena :( scowls and throws the book)  
  
Kioko: (nervously) shouldn't you start the story?  
  
Risu: (walks over and pulls the book out of the wall) Ahem. (Opens the book and sings) Fighting evil by moonlight...  
  
Advena: (grins and snatches book) Now for today's story...  
  
Note: anything inside '' is a thought  
  
Mamoru took a deep breathe. 'NOW's the time. There couldn't be a better moment.' "Usako." Usagi turned and looked at Mamoru, "Yes Mamo-chan?" He got down on one knee and took a box out from his pocket, "Will you marry me Ranma?"

"Who's Ranma Mamo-chan?" Usagi asked tears forming in her eyes.

Mamoru panicked,' Did I really say Ranma?!' "Uh... who?"

Usagi turned and fled, tears streaming down her face.

"Usako, wait! Come back!" Mamoru started running after Usagi THUD only to end up colliding head first with a pole...

At Hikawa shrine

"... he called me Ranma!" Usagi finished with a wail. Makoto walked up and engulfed Usagi in a bear hug.

'I'll kill him when I see him!' All the inners thought.

"Can't... breathe..." Choked a blue Usagi. "Sorry Usagi-Chan!" Makoto apologized letting her go. Minako giggled at the blushing Makoto, who glared in return. Minako laughed all the harder and Makoto leaped at her.

"Miss Rei. I've just finished with cleaning the shrine." A girl with short black hair said from the doorway, glancing curiously at the two wrestling on the floor.

"Ok, "Rei replied, "These are my friends Usagi Tsukino, Ami Mizuno, Makoto Kino, and Minako Aino."

"Nice to meet you my name is Akane Tendo," Akane greeted politely. The girls all said hi; Minako and Makoto pausing with Minako pinned to the floor, to greet her.

"Cut that out you two!" Rei demanded. They stopped fighting, Makoto hitting Minako upside the head once more before taking her seat.

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing. Did you say that he called you Ranma?" Akane had a strange glint in her eye.

"Yes, he did..." Usagi teared up again.

Akane snapped," That bastard! I'm going to kill him!"

"Who?"

"Ranma!"

"You know Ranma?"

"Yes, he's my fiancé!"

"Fiancé?"

"Arranged marriage."

"Oh... sorry."

"Don't worry about it. It won't last much longer. See you tomorrow." Akane walked off fuming and mumbling something along the lines of: "Ooo... I'm going to kill you!"

"I feel absolutely no pity for that man." Rei said.

At that instant the door to outside flew open. "Usako!" It was Mamoru. In other words, dead man walking. He sweat-dropped and laughed nervously when he saw the murderous glares. "Uh... hello?"

He turned and ran as the inners attack him.

Tendo Training Hall

"Ranma!"

"Ranma's in the training room." Nabiki said looking at her curiously.

"Thank you." Akane stomped off towards the training room.

"I wonder what he did this time... Akane looks really mad..." Nabiki said to Kasumi.

They had their answer shortly as Ranma came tearing through the living room and down the street with Akane close on his heels, "You cheating bastard!"

Nabiki and Kasumi glanced at each other and ran after Akane and Ranma. "We better make sure she doesn't kill him."

Soun and Genma walked into the recently vacated room, "What was that all about?" Genma asked.

"No clue. So much for dinner."

Unfortunate Man #1

Mamoru ran down the street as fast as he could. He glanced over his shoulder, 'Crap! They're catching up!'

"Get back here so I can rip your head off!" Makoto yelled.

"Like that's really going to work." Rei said rolling her eyes.

Makoto growled and ran faster.

Mamoru turned a corner and ran straight into Ranma, who was running from Akane.

They scrambled to get up and tried to run away but were, unfortunately for them, caught.

"I'm gonna bash your face in Ranma!" Akane yelled. Nabiki and Kasumi restrained her from killing Ranma.

Unlike Ranma, no one cared to restrain Makoto. Just as Makoto was about to hit Mamoru a red dragon-like creature flew by. "Charizard! Get back here!" A black-haired boy yelled, "Pikachu thunderbolt!" A yellow rodent-like creature shot electricity out of its cheeks missing the charizard.

"Ash! Wait up!" A red-haired girl said running after the boy, followed by a brown-haired young man.

Everybody blinked and looked at each other.

"What was that all about?" Usagi asked. The others shrugged their shoulders.

"Now where we?" Makoto asked still holding onto Mamoru."Oh. Yes."

"I challenge you to a duel!" A beetle-haired boy said.

"I accept your challenge Weevil!" A red-blonde spiky-haired boy said.

A playing field suddenly popped up underneath their feet. They looked at the field beneath their feet confused.

"What?" Kasumi asked.

The two boys took out their card decks and set them down. They seemed not to notice the people on the field.

"Go, mantis warrior!" Weevil said putting the card down. A huge, mutated preying mantis appeared holding a sword and shield.

"Mercury Star Power!"

"Mars Star Power!"

"Jupiter Star Power!"

"Venus Star Power!"

"Moon Cosmic Power!"

The sailors transformed while the others proceeded with their only course of action. Screaming.

"It's your turn Yugi."

"I play the Dark Magician. Dark Magic Attack!" The attack hit Mamoru and Ranma, frying them to a crisp, almost hitting Sailor Moon.

The Inners growled, causing Yugi and Weevil to notice them for the first time. "What are you doing there?" Weevil asked.

"You didn't notice us?" Akane asked unable to believe it.

"Apparently imbecile." Weevil retorted. Akane cracked her knuckles and attack him. "Eep!"

"I'm sorry I didn't notice you." Yugi said.

"You almost fried our princess." Jupiter said angrily, her hands glowing. The others were just as angry.

Yugi laughed nervously and took off running as a lightning bolt, fire ball, light beam, and bubbles were launched at him.

"Get back here coward!" Mars shouted as she and the inners pursued Yugi.

Moon, Nabiki, And Kasumi looked at each other. "You wanna go get some coffee?" Moon asked detransforming.

"Sure." Nabiki said.

"I have to go finish dinner. I'm sorry." Kasumi said heading back to the training hall. "See you later Nabiki."

"Later Sis!" Usagi and Nabiki headed to the nearest coffee shop.

Sorry this took so long to post......... I have no excuses. I admit I'm lazy. Anywho.... thank you all for your input.

Disclaimer: I own none of the animes in this story. I do, however, own the following: Risu, Advena, and Kioko.

Weird..... my counterpart is gone... woohoo! - Too soon to celebrate stupid- snaps fingers Drat!


	3. Oh My God! I'm a Woman!

Advena: Hello and welcome to Archives of Insanity! I'm your host (slaps hand over

Risu's mouth) Advena.

Risu: (mumbles)

Advena: I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?

Kioko: (walks in) Repeat what?

Risu: (innocently) Nothing…

Kioko: Alright, what did you do?

Risu: Nothing!

Kioko: Liar! You were antagonizing Advena again weren't you?

Risu: No I wasn't!

(Kioko attacks Risu and Risu pulls out an Advena shaped plushy, which Kioko hits. Advena then attacks Kioko.)

Kioko: Ow! What was that for?

Advena: You hit the plushy!

(Risu laughs evilly and hops out the window, realizing too late that she grabbed the Advena doll and not the parachute.)

Risu: (sweatdrop) Aaaaaaah! (THUD!)

(Risu looks at whom she landed on and somehow scrambles up the wall and climbs in through the studio window, screaming the whole time.)

Sapphire: What's the matter Risu?

Risu: T-T-T

Advena: C'mon! Spit it out!

Tuxedo Mask: (walks in through the door) There's no need to be rude Advena.

Advena: (gapes)

Kioko: H-h-how?

Sapphire: (groans) Please don't get him started. I had to work with him for a whole

Season, so trust me on this ok?

Risu: (puts a hand on his shoulder) I feel so sorry for you.

Advena: That must have been horrible!

Sapphire: You have no idea.

Tuxedo mask: Hey! That wasn't nice!

Sapphire: You're not my conscience you baka!

Tuxedo Mask: Apologize!

Sapphire: Not a chance in Hell! Now go away!

(Sapphire pushes Tuxedo Mask out the door causing him to trip on his cape and tumble down the stairs. –That's a lot of stairs folks! giggle**-)**

Sapphire: (shutting the door) So, what's today's story? (noticing that everyone is staring at him) What? He was getting on my nerves?

Risu: I had no idea you had it in you…

Kioko: Me neither…

Advena: (snaps out of it and looks around) Where's the book?

Risu: It's the only book on the bookshelf. It can't be that hard to spot.

Kioko: (smacks Risu on the back of the head) Stop it!

Advena: No, seriously. Where is the book?

Risu: I told you- (looks at the bookshelf) where **is** the book?

(They search the studio and turn up nothing, with the exception of the furniture.)

Advena: Where could it be?

Risu: (picks up the parachute and the book falls out) Found it. It was in the parachute. (hands the book to Advena)

Advena: Thank you. Today's story is called _Oh My God! I'm a Woman!_

Kioko: Why is it called that?

Risu: Why do you ask stupid questions?

Advena: (raises an eyebrow at them and opens the book) Huh?

Sapphire: What?

Advena: It says "Thank you Chibi Pyro Duo for your idea. Only half is used, but the rest is being taken under consideration for a later chapter."

Risu: Why?

Advena: Oh…the story…

Risu: What?

Advena: Nevermind.

Heero shoved Relena into an escape pod and launched it. "Heero!' Relena screamed as he shrank away. Heero raced to the launch deck and climbed into Wing Zero and launched himself. When he entered the battle the other Gundams were already engaged in combat. Heero cut down a doll that was preparing to attack Sandrock from behind.

"Thanks." Quatra said over the radio. "Relena!" Heero turned and saw a small army of dolls preparing to attack her escape pod. He flew over, followed by Wufei in Nataku and Trowa in Heavy Arms.

"They sure are set on killing Relena aren't they?" Trowa asked quietly. Heero just grunted in reply.

"Why am I even defending this weak onna?" Wufei muttered hotly. "What in the world are they doing?"

The dolls retreated back and formed a large group. "7…6…5…4…" a loud computerized voice said answering his question.

"Shit!" Wufei cursed and Heero automatically shielded Relena's pod.

"3…2…1" A huge explosion ensued and the four of them were thrown backwards into a black hole they had been studying.

"Shit!" Wufei said even louder.

The Sailor Moon Dimension

"Heero…. Heero!" Heero opened his eyes and found himself looking at Relena. He jumped up and looked around. _Where am I?_ He thought. Trowa and Wufei were just coming to.

"Aaah!" Came the scream from Wufei. The other three turned to look at him. He was… "I'm an onna!" Trowa smirked at this. "What are you smirking at? You are too you baka!" Trowa looked at himself and fainted. He **was** a woman. Unfortunately, Heero found he was as well when he looked at himself. They were all wearing tiny leather shorts, bikini-like leather tops, long leather gloves, and thigh-length leather boots.

"Fight! Healer! Maker!" A blonde with her hair in odangos shouted as she ran up. "Are you alright?" Four other young women came up behind her. One had long blonde hair back partially in a red bow, another had short blue hair, a third had long raven hair, and the fourth had long brown hair pulled up into a high ponytail.

" I'm a weak onna! Of course I'm not alright!" The girls gave Wufei a strange look.

"Weak onna?" the raven-haired girl shrieked.

"Calm down Mars." The brunette said.

Trowa sat up, "Maker! Are you alright?" The blue haired one asked.

"Who am I?"

**THUD! "**What a convenient time to lose your memory!" Wufei growled.

"Princess Kakyuu! Are you alright?" Odango girl asked noticing Relena for the first time.

"Um…Kakyuu? Who's Kakyuu?" Relena Asked.

"You silly!"

"But my name is Relena. I can't be Kakyuu!"

"Who are you people?" Heero asked coldly.

" I'm Sailor Venus. That's Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, and Sailor Moon." Venus stated pointing to each in turn.

"This is all a bad dream. A very bad dream." Wufei tried to convince himself.

"What's the matter Healer?" Moon asked.

"I'm not this Healer person!" Moon put her hand on his…her…aargh! Screw it! Moon put her hand on Wufei's forehead. "What are you doing onna?"

"I'm checking your temperature."

"I'm not sick!" Wufei slapped her hand away.

"Hey! That was rude!' Jupiter yelled.

"Heheheh. Look at the little twits arguing amongst themselves."

Everyone turned around and saw… "Who're you?" Jupiter asked.

"To protect the world from devastation."

"To unite all peoples within or nation."

"To denounce the evils of truth and love."

"To extend our reach to the stars above."

"Jessie."

"James."

"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."

"Surrender now or prepare to fight."

"Meowth, that's right."

cricket

"That was pathetic." Venus said.

"Aargh! No one talks about Team Rocket that way! Go Arbock!"

"Go Weezing!" They said throwing two strange red and white balls at them. Out of one came a huge cobra-like creature and out o the other came a creature the resembled three different sized balls stuck together.

"Arbock! Poison Sting!" The attack was aimed at Relena. Wufei, Trowa, and Heero found themselves in front of Relena protecting her from the attack.

"What the?" Wufei said.

Heero held out his hands in some weird position. "Star Serious Laser!" The attack hit Arbock and Weezing and flung them into Jessie, James and Meowth, knocking them all into the air.

"Looks like Team Rockets blasting off again!" They said as they sailed out of sight.

Relena broke down. "That's it! I have no idea where the hell I am, I'm wearing strange clothes, the pilots are women, I'm being called Kakyuu by five strangers, Trowa lost his memory again, three weirdoes just tried to kill me, and Heero just shot a huge laser out of his hands!"

"What's she screaming about?" Venus asked.

"It seems that the four of them are all suffering from amnesia." Mercury stated.

Heero just stared at his hands wondering where the laser had come from.

"Would anyone care to tell me why I was pulled in front of the stupid onna!" Wufei shouted angrily.

"Because its your duty to protect you princess at any cost.' Jupiter told him.

"What? I have to protect her!" He pointed at the hysterical Relena.

"Yes." Jupiter glared at him.

"Aargh! A weak onna! I have to protect a weak onna!" Jupiter tackled him, her anger overcoming her.

"And she told me to calm down." Mars said rolling her eyes.

Venus looked around her. Jupiter was strangling Healer, Fighter was looking at her hands, Mercury was talking to Maker who couldn't remember her name, and Kakyuu was having a mental breakdown. She turned to Sailor Moon and Mars, "How about a milkshake?"

"Ok."

"Yeah! A milkshake!"

The three of them went to the nearest fast-food restaurant leaving the rest to their own devices.

FYI: This is being posted on both and Mediaminer (just telling you just in case of confusion over the names of people, like reviewers, that may appear in the future)


End file.
